Forgiveness

While I was in Africa, I made a decision to forgive someone who I have been hurt by and had also been harboring anger towards. It's amazing how good it feels to forgive. I met up with this person tonight. We smiled, I cried. But, there was zero anger. None. It's gone. I don't know if it took me going to Africa to see that there are worse things in the world, but I did find out about people forgiving their rapists- surely I could forgive if they could.

I have so much to be thankful for, and now I have forgiven something that had been bringing me down for a long time and I feel awesome.

MORE Twins!?!?!??

What is in Hollywood's water!?!?!? Geesh...

Latest: Charlie Sheen

Others:
Angelina & Brad
Rebecca Romign & Jerry O'Connell
JLo & Marc Anthony
Patrick Dempsey

Who am I missing? It really doesn't matter. Just an observation...

Slacker

After all of my hard work to pre-schedule posts while I was in Africa, I fell asleep yesterday so early that I didn't get a post in at all! SLACKER! :-( Hopefully, my additional posts on certain days made up for that. LOL!

Ethan is used to having Mommy home already. Lil' stinker...

I have to gear up to write about Africa. There is SO much to say and I don't know where to begin. Soon, I hope.

Ethan had his neurosurgery appt. yesterday. He needs the surgery to detether his spinal cord. Now, I just need to get a second opinion...but, the surgery could be soon.

More to come soon. I have to pick up with Ethan's story sometime.

Awww....

So, I think that thing called jet lag kicked in today. I laid down around 1pm and was drug out of bed around 8:30pm so I could eat/drink. I am SO tired. Pictures/video from Africa are ready to be uploaded to Shutterfly, but not until tomorrow. I'm too tired to begin the process...

As the pictures finished loading to my computer, I attempted to weed through my e-mail's (over 400- yuck).

So, it appears that my sister did some blogging while I was away...

Awwwww, I love you too, Kim. Leave her a comment- I know that she will appreciate it!

*Oh yeah, I am HOME!* ;-)

Ethan's Story, Part VII

Watching the EMS team come into the hospital with the infant isolette made me about crumble. My baby is supposed to be going home with ME in OUR car to OUR home. This is not how it is supposed to be!

EMS took two polaroid pictures of Ethan in case anything happened in transit. My nurses were great- they made sure I had enough medicine and supplies for myself because they knew that I would not be going home. My doctor was kind enough to not make me sign myself out of the hospital.

By 10:30pm, we were headed to VCH to meet the ambulance. Who knew 24 hours earlier that we would be watching our son drive away in an ambulance instead of cuddling and bonding?

My parents were in Oakdale when I told them that we were being transferred. That is close to 2 hours away from Fresno. They met me in the ER. I always say how funny it was to need my Mommy so intensely at that moment. Ethan was checked into the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). We were allowed to be in the room at any time except shift changes, but were not allowed to sleep there.

Our friends, Elvira & Brian, lived in Fresno and opened their home to us with open arms at 2am+ since the Ronald McDonald house could not take in any new families that late at night. They lived about 10 minutes from the hospital...it was the most excruciating feeling to leave Ethan at the hospital.

The next day- or I guess it would just be later that morning, I took a shower and just cried. I was in pain physically and emotionally. We could get in to see Ethan around 7:30am and I wanted to be there as soon as we were allowed in.

Before we could hold Ethan, we had to 'scrub in' with a surgical brush for three minutes. We also had to wear a gown.


Daddy & Ethan

Only two people were allowed in the NICU with Ethan at a time and either Scott or I had to be with him if there was a visitor. The security was great. We always felt that Ethan was in the best hands.

An echocardiogram was done and it showed that Ethan did have a couple of pin sized holes in his heart but that they anticipated them to close on their own without any need for surgical intervention. Praise God!

***To Be Continued...***

Ethan's Story, Part VI

Ethan, Scott, and I were taken to our postpartum suite area. It was a room with two beds and one bathroom, and yes, I had a roommate, ugh. Scott left the hospital to go home and rest close to 3:30am. There was NOWHERE for him to sleep in the PP room anyway.

All night, I just stared at Ethan. I could not believe that he was here! He never cried and he slept the entire night. He never ate. He would make these suckling motions and noises, but the nurse kept telling me that when he was hungry, he would cry. I never slept, I just stared and loved on my little boy.

Later that morning (7am), the pediatrician made rounds. She came back into my "room" and said that she "had concerns". I was alone. I was sleep deprived. I was a postpartum mother. I was a NEW mother. I was about to hear the words that forever changed our lives.

"Your baby shows markers for Down syndrome"

WHAT?!?!?!!? My ob never said anything! I took the AFP, it was negative! You're wrong, I thought. She showed me Ethan's palms and how he had the simian crease in both hands. She mentioned that his eyes appeared to look like a child with Down syndrome.

From that moment on, I just stared at Ethan. I DID NOT SEE IT.

Scott came right at the beginning of visiting hours. I broke the news to him. I think that he kept the emotions he was feeling to himself. Such is a man. We held on to some hope that they were wrong. It was all just one big coincidence.

As the day went on, we had visitors from family and friends. When my mom and sister, Kim, came by, they asked if I had nursed Ethan yet. No. They helped me at least try. Ethan would not latch on. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt bonded with my sister. She was helping me be a Mother. I will forever cherish that moment. I informed them of the doctors concerns and they didn't see it either.

Around 4:30pm, the nurses said that they needed to take Ethan to the nursery for assessment. They said that they would bring him right back. During this time, Scott's mom came with dinner. We enjoyed the meal until I told Scott that Ethan had been gone too long and to go check on him.

The next thing I know, a nurse comes in with another gown for me and says that I need to come to the nursery.

When I walk into the nursery, I see my baby boy laying underneath a warming lamp and oxygen hood. His blood sugar was down from not eating so he was given some sugar water. His oxygen saturation was not staying up, so they put him under the oxygen hood. He was presenting signs of infection (I was Group Beta Strep positive with only one dose of the antibiotic since my delivery went so quickly and because that was given at 6 cm, chances are it wasn't even in my system long enough to protect Ethan even a little), and the doctor thought that she heard a heart murmur.

The doctor called Valley Children's Hospital in Madera/Fresno to see if they wanted Ethan transported. As soon as they were given all of the signs/symptoms, VCH sent an ambulance to transport Ethan to VCH- an hour away. He wasn't even 24 hours old yet.

Waiting for the ambulance to come, I cried. I shook. I was so scared. What did I do? I took care of myself while pregnant? What could I have done differently?

***To Be Continued...***

Happy Birthday Jessie!

Me & Jess on our way to Santa Cruz, circa 1995


Foxy Ladies getting ready to head out on the town, AKA: VEGAS!!! 2003

Jessie and I have been friends since we met in college in 1994. She has been the keeper of many of my secrets, my bridesmaid in my wedding, one of my rocks after Ethan was born. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have had a cell phone charger since I left mine at home and I was not going home for a phone charger after Ethan was born. She has always been one of my supports that never waivers. Sometimes, we go a long time without being able to talk since she is still in California and now has her own baby girl...ok, she's two now, but still.

We will always have stories to tell! I love you Jessie! I hope that you have a WONDERFUL birthday today. And, thank you for spending YOUR birthday with me so I could get married with you by my side. *muah*

Coming HOME!!!

Well, if all is going according to plan, I should be on a plane heading for London! We have a layover in London for 5 1/2 hours. If only we could go OUTSIDE OF THE AIRPORT!!! Oh well, I will say that I have been to London! LOL!

HAPPY 10th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!!

Ten years ago today, Scott and I were married in front of over 200 of our family and friends. My dad walked me down the aisle. My mom and mother-in-law wore similar dresses, and yet so different. But, the best part was my fiance dressed in his tuxedo, soccer cufflinks, and Adidas tennis shoes meeting me at the altar. I could see the emotion in his face. He was trying to not cry. Then, my dad gave me away.

Our ceremony was not very long, but it seemed like an eternity because my bouquet had an extra DOZEN roses in it! That thing was heavy! But, it sure was beautiful. Pastor Maynard Mininger officiated. I am not sure if he officiated over any other weddings before he was killed in an auto accident by a drunk driver a couple years later (DO NOT DRINK & DRIVE!!!).

Our music was to the soundtrack of my most favorite movie of all time... THE PRINCESS BRIDE. (Mawage is what bwings us here togever tovay...do you have va wings?) My friend, Debbie Iversen sang a song by Dime Store Prophets while we lit the candles.

Pastor Mininger told Scott that I was the Queen- that's right. I even have it on video. HA! Our vows were standard, but Scott choked up when he said "Til death do us part". I, being the stone cold hearted person that I am, did not cry. (Dripping sarcasm there...it was very odd that I didn't cry)

I was SO hot. Not hot like sexy hot, but hot as in AFRICA hot! My makeup melted. My curls fell. I did not bring fixer up make-up, nor did I bring a curling iron. So, our pictures are not the most beautiful. People said that I was so happy that I was glowing. Um, thanks but no...I was melting!!!

Our reception was very laid back. It was held at my manager's home in her backyard. She has a beautiful home and even had a heart shaped bush in the backyard. I smashed the cake up Scott's nose- something to this day he vows to seek revenge upon. He won't do that to me. ;-)

We enjoyed our time with those we love. My cousin, Tara, caught the bouquet. And, come to think of it- I don't remember doing the garter. Hmmm...I don't remember why we didn't do the garter.

We went home, found that our bridal party thought that it would be hilarious to short sheet our bed (simply tucking in the sheets at the top of the bed instead of bottom). We didn't care- Scott can't stand tucked sheets anyway. We actually were sitting on the sofa watching the Pretender when we heard someone at our gate. It was our friends, Elvira & Brian, dropping off their gift. They did not want to disturb us. LOL! Right- we're watching TV. Come on in!

After they left, we had to be sure to have our bags packed. We left for Hawaii at 4 am the next morning!!!

~For Scott~
Happy Anniversary my love. Thank you for being an amazing husband and father. We have definitely had our share of challenges thrown at us over the past ten years, but we weather the storm and conquer. Thank you for the sacrifices that you make everyday for your family. I wish that I was with you now- instead, I am getting ready to board a plane for a very long trip home to you. Get ready for a welcome home to ME smooch. ;-) I love you. Never forget that or lose faith. We will conquer. Here's to another TEN!!!

Ethan's Story, Part VI

May 25th, 2001 1:21am

After a few pushes, Ethan came flying out. That was the most painful experience of my life- my dad, who was outside in his truck with the windows UP, heard my last scream to get Ethan OUT!!! Ok, so the whole hospital may have heard that. Give me a break- no drugs, remember!?!?!

I could not see him because I took my glasses off to get into the shower and then the rush to get into the bed without delivering on the floor kept me from realizing that I wasn't wearing them. Scott, Kamrin (my little sister), and my mom were there.

Ethan Scott Faulkner, 8 pounds, 20 1/2 inches with an 8/9 APGAR. LOTS of hair, no really- LOTS of hair. Everyone says that he looks like Scott.



Welcome to the world son.

***To Be Continued...***

Ethan's Story, Part V

May 24th, 2000

I am sitting in the recliner talking to my sister, Kim, on the phone. My due date is approaching and she is asking all sorts of questions. One of those questions was the ever personal "have you lost your plug?". Ummm, I don't think so. "Well, aren't you looking?". Sure, but half the time when I get up in the middle of the night, I leave the light off and I am not taking a flashlight to look.

Kim and I finish our conversation and I have to pee- imagine that at 9 months prego! Guess what I see? Yep. So, I called Kim back. "I lost my plug". Kim starts screaming in the phone and announcing it to all in her office---"My sister just lost her plug! The baby is coming soon!". Thanks for the announcement sis.

I had a nail appointment that day. So, I go to see Robin and I start having contractions. Robin was so cute making my nails and toes pretty for delivery day. I would put my head on the table with a contraction and she would announce it to the other technician's. Pretty nails in tow, I headed to JCPenney. I remembered that I still didn't have a nursing bra. I was still having contractions, but nothing regularly. I went home and unpacked the hospital bag and packed it again. I called Scott at work to tell him to stay close just in case.

My contractions were picking up a steady pace by 7pm. I didn't want to rush to the hospital before needing to be there and one of my biggest fears was getting to the hospital and being told to go home. Plus, it was Thursday which meant that Friends and Whose Line is it Anyway was on TV. I was not letting a little bit of early labor interfere with my weekly dose of comedy! I was on the couch on all fours rocking and breathing through the contractions and laughing in between. Scott was so funny- asking me if it was time multiple times. Not yet, maybe after the shows.

We got to the hospital around 10pm. Contractions were on top of each other now. We had to enter through the ER and I remember a little boy in the waiting room asking his mom what was wrong with me and she said, "She's going to have a baby". Then, I thought "Oh my gosh, I AM going to have a baby!"

I was checked in. It was a slow night in L&D. I was hooked up to the monitor and given the first of many 'checks'. It is true about what they say about checking your modesty at the door when you have a baby. I am expecting to be at least 4 cm and fully effaced. Nope. TWO CENTIMETERS, NOT EFFACED, -2 STATION!!! My fear was coming true. They are going to send me home!

Luckily, since it was slow, the nurses said to walk around and they would check me again in an hour. We walked, we rocked, we chatted with nurses, we rocked some more. Next check...FOUR CENTIMETERS, 80% EFFACED, 0 STATION!!! "Mrs. Faulkner, you are not going anywhere without a baby". Oh my gosh, this is really happening!

We did the same thing for the next hour. We discussed doing a water birth. I loved the idea of being in the water. I really did not want any drugs and something about the water seemed so calming. We were going to be moved to a larger room so that the tub could be set up. Before then, I was checked again. SIX CENTIMETERS, FULLY EFFACED, +2 STATION. As soon as the nurse was done checking me, my water broke. And then the REAL contractions kicked in. Oh my gosh- the previous contractions were NOTHING compared to post-water breaking contractions. My nurse came in and said "Honey, you are not going to get through this breathing like that". "WELL TELL ME HOW THEN", I snapped. After she showed me how to breathe, it was night and day. The contractions were so manageable through breathing.

Before the tub was set up, the shower was offered. We rolled up some towels for my knees and I got in the shower. Scott kept the warm water beating down on my back while also rubbing my lower back. I made sure to keep my palms flat against the shower wall instead of clinching them. I remembered our childbirth class nurse saying how when you tense up a part of your body, labor reacts in a defensive manner and it becomes harder. I was offered pain meds and I ignored the offers. I really did not want to be loopy for this occasion!

As things got intense, I was seeing lots of blood in the shower and the moans from me were getting louder. I was only in the shower about 20 minutes when I was checked again..."WE NEED TO GET YOU IN THE BED, YOUR BABY IS RIGHT THERE!"

***To Be Continued...***

Ethan's Story, Part IV

Scott and I had went back and forth on whether or not we wanted to know the sex of the baby. So, when we went in for our second u/s, the doctor asks us if we want to know. I asked the doctor how sure he was. He said, "100%". "Ok, tell me!" I couldn't take it. I had to know. It's a boy. I knew it. I knew he was a boy. But, Scott's brothers have girls, so I didn't think that it was possible for a Faulkner to have a boy! And, my sister only had boys at the time, so one of the grandparents was going to be getting a first. You should have seen Scott's face when the doctor said the baby was a boy- I think that every man looks forward to having a son and you could see it in his face how excited he was then. Scott's mom was elated while I think my mom was disappointed he wasn't a girl.

I didn't start showing until I was close to 7 months pregnant, and then it was WOW! There's a belly there! I guess that's because I already had a belly to begin with. I joke that I loved my pregnant belly because it was the firmest my stomach had been in years! :) I had a wonderful pregnancy- just some sciatica issues, but Ethan was very kind to me. He didn't beat my ribs up keep me up at night. The only thing that Ethan did to annoy me was have hiccups constantly.

I remember when Theresa was pregnant with Madison, she would tell me that Madison had the hiccups. I asked how she knew and Theresa responded with, "You'll know". So true. Ethan had them every day.

Hindsight is 20/20 you know...Ethan really wasn't an active baby in utero. But, I didn't know any different since he was my first. He moved every so often and had the hiccups- I just thought that he was running out of room in there.

My doctor took me out of work three weeks before my due date of May 29th. My blood pressure was starting to elevate and only coming down by laying down on my side. I was ordered to take it easy. I am sure that the part about me nesting and rearranging my entire living room was not part of taking it easy. I moved an entire entertainment center, 36 inch TV, sofa, and recliner by myself. My sister-in-law was going to help me after she picked up my niece from school, but I was just too dang impatient. Yes, she yelled at me later for that. But, my living room looked SO much better and ready for Ethan's arrival.

***To Be Continued...***

Ethan's Favorite Songs

For Stephanie, who has never heard of Charlie Daniel's Band and "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". :-)



Ethan is a rocker at heart. Ethan is the ONLY person Scott will dance with. They ROCK!

"Remedy" by Seether


And, Daddy's Favorite band Disciple. Scott has actually become friends with the lead singer, Kevin. Scott, Ethan, and I had the pleasure of having lunch with Kevin once. He really is an amazing man. Enjoy "The Wait is Over"...Ethan does!

Ethan's Story, Part III

Scott and I decided to take a vacation in December 2000. I was about 16 weeks pregnant. Scott's sister, Cindy, was living in El Paso, Texas so we decided to go visit. We also decided to not tell her that we were pregnant that way we could surprise her. We even wrote a poem to give to her- quite comical. I just remember it saying something to the effect of since we had a "roll in the hay, we now have a baby on the way!". LOL! Before getting to El Paso, we took a detour to Missouri so I could visit the Precious Moments Chapel in Carthage, MO.




We went up to my friend, Theresa's house the night before leaving and she would take us to the airport in San Francisco. Our itinerary that followed was:

* San Francisco to Phoenix
* Phoenix to Kansas City
* Drive from KC to Joplin, MO
* Drive from Joplin, MO to Carthage, MO
* Enjoy all of the beauty that is Precious Moments
* Return to KC
* KC to Phoenix
* Phoenix to El Paso
* Visit with family for a week
* El Paso to Phoenix
* Phoenix to San Francisco

That was a whole lotta up, down, and around for this pregnant momma! Boy, was I tired!

When we returned home, I was startled to find myself bleeding. I was so scared that I pushed myself to hard during our trip. Thankfully, I only had that one episode of bleeding and the doctor said not to worry as long as it stopped. I was just to take it easy for a few days to let my body recover from the trip. So far, so good with this little baby growing inside...

***To Be Continued...***

Ethan's Story, Part II

This is Ethan's very first picture. Dr. Loredo drew in a smiley face. We could not tell the sex of the baby at this appointment- it was too soon. This was to make sure we could see the heartbeat because we did not hear the heartbeat at my first ob appointment. You see, Ethan has been giving us gray hairs from the very beginning! LOL!

We joked after this u/s that the baby was going to play soccer just like its Daddy because it looked like he was 'heading' a ball the entire time! The names that we had come up with so far were Kalee for girl and Kayson for a boy. It was still so unreal that I was actually pregnant.

Up to this point, I only had one small bout of 'morning sickness' and it lasted about 3 hours, so I will not even complain! Ethan was definitely good to me in in the sickness department!

I began to feel Ethan at about 15 weeks. I described it as a bubble popping in my belly. I was on the phone with my sister-in-law and I remember that I was laying down relaxing on the couch when I interrupted the conversation to say, "I just felt the baby move!". It was beginning to feel real now...

***To be continued...***

Happy Birthday's!!!

Today, I would like to wish a Happy Birthday to two very special people in my life...



First: Happy 8th birthday Madison Jean!!! Auntie Boo, Scott, and Ethan love you SO much! I am sorry that I am not here for your birthday or your birthday party at Young Chef's Academy, but I am sending Scott and Ethan to be there with you. You make us so proud. Have a WONDERFUL birthday!!! Lots of love, hugs, and smiles from your Auntie Boo

Second: Happy Birthday to my best fried, Kimberly! Kimberly and I met through Downsyn- both our boys have that extra 21st chromosome! She lives in Texas, but we talk almost daily, if not multiple times daily. God was definitely in control when He put Kimberly into my life. If it weren't for Kimberly, I would not know of tethered cord, and I may still be sitting here scratching my head as to why Ethan is not walking independently yet. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY friend! I love ya! Now, get you butt to NC already, would ya!?!?!?


Ethan and his buddy, Joel. Friends Forever- just like their Mommies.


Quality time with Auntie Kimmy.

I'm Here!!!

Over 24 hours after our journey began, we have arrived at our host residence for the night in Nairobi, Kenya. It was a LONG trip, but really not that bad. I will update more at a later time- internet is limited. God Bless.

Ethan's Story, Part I

Scott and I had been married for a couple weeks shy of two years when we found out that we were going to be parents. My only symptom of pregnancy was a very sore lower back. My friend, Theresa, had kept telling me that I was pregnant, but I didn't believe her.

My first pregnancy test was positive, so I made an appointment at the doctor's office. NEGATIVE. I was so disappointed. The nurse said that I could go to the hospital to do a blood test if I wanted. I didn't tell Scott that I thought that I was pregnant. So, I went to have the blood test alone. I got the call later that day..."Mrs. Faulkner, you are JUST pregnant- like only a week". I became THAT expectant mother. The one that knew from the very beginning. I thought this little knowledge would equal an eternally long pregnancy...luckily, I enjoyed every minute- even the sciatica.

I tried to think of some creative way to tell Scott that he was going to be a Daddy- no luck. He came home from work and as he was washing his hands, the conversation went a little like this:

ME: So, I took a pregnancy test.

SCOTT: Yeah.

ME: It was positive.

SCOTT: Yeah.

ME: Yes, and it was confirmed with a blood test.

SCOTT: Yeah.

I am so not kidding about that! LOL! Scott has never been one with words...

We didn't wait long to tell our family. Scott and I had painted the spare room a pale yellow already, just to paint it really. We decided that would be the nursery. I went out and bought some baby decorations and put them up in, what would become, the nursery. We had invited my parents and Scott's mom to come over for a bbq. My little sister, Kamrin, came too.

Scott and I told the group that there was a surprise in the spare room. My mother-in-law about cracked her head on the ceiling from her jumping up with excitement! She immediately got what we were saying...another grandbaby. My mom? A very confused look. I think that she was more confused about why Lynda was screaming. LOL! Kamrin got it too. I don't remember my dad's reaction, except a very genuine smile- I do remember that.

Kamrin came up to me later when no one else was around and says, "I want to be there when the baby is born". I told her that I had already planned on that. She was a little more firm in her response..."No, I want to be IN the delivery room when the baby is born". Yes Kamrin, I know- I had already planned on that.

****TO BE CONTINUED...****

Africa Bound!

Well friends, the day is here. Today I start my journey to Kitale, Kenya, Africa! I have to be at the church at 11am. We will leave from Greensboro and then head to Washington Dulles. From there, we will be on our way to Zurich and then the final stretch will be from Zurich to Nairobi. We will stay the night in Nairobi and then drive up to Kitale. We will make a "detour" through a safari-like game park which should be very cool.

Pray for me, the team, and especially my family. Scott and Ethan are sacrificing a lot for me to be able to go and I have to recognize them and how much I love them both. Their support means more to me than anything. I love my boys!!!

I will try to get to some form of internet at least once to check in, but you should have some fun stuff to read while I am away and some fun pictures to see too. Keep checking in!

Much love to all. God bless you.
~Kristen

Getting ready to go!

Tomorrow, I leave on a 10-day adventure to Africa. Am I ready? No. Have I packed? Of course not. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not pack in advance. It works for me- leave me alone! LOL!

I went to Wal-Mart and bought every medicine imaginable for this trip. I went to the health store and bought cranberry pills to fight bladder infections and probiotic pills to fight yeast infections (the malaria pills I am on could leave me susceptible to YI's- ugh). I have enough socks. I have peanut butter and granola bars to survive on just in case the food totally disgusts me, but I am told that it is fabulous. We'll see I guess.

************************************************************************************

Victory Junction sent me a few pictures from our visit the other day. Ethan did not want to have any part of picture taking that day, so I think that they turned out pretty good.