Poppy Seeds, Lentils, Blueberries...

A few weeks ago, I loved poppy seeds.  Next, Lentils.  Next should have been blueberries. 

This was an inside acknowledgement of my complete joy and happiness for one of my bestest friends.  She had found out that she was pregnant just before New Year's.  What a ray of hope for the upcoming New Year!  I installed the BabyCenter app on my phone so I could be with her every step of the way through her wonderful journey.  I would be Auntie Boo, again, to another blessing. 

Sadly, our dear Lentil never made it to be a Blueberry and our hearts ache.  Please keep my friend and her boyfriend in your prayers.  I take comfort knowing that Lil' Lentil is now with their Big Sister up above. 

Lentil's

I love lentil's...lentil's are my favorite.  ♥

Ortho

I took Ethan to the ortho today for a follow-up from two years ago.  Ethan's last spinal x-ray showed slight scoliosis, but I don't know if it was because he wasn't being still during the x-ray or if he truly has some scoliosis from the tethered cord.  I thought that they would have new x-rays taken today, but they didn't.  It does still appear, by pure observation, that he has slight curvature but nothing of major concern. 

The one thing that I was told today that really took me by surprise was that I was told that Ethan doesn't need his SureSteps any longer.  Ethan's ankles still pronate when he isn't wearing his braces so this really shocked me.  I was told that the SureSteps aren't going to change anything- his feet will still be flat and his ankles will still pronate.  I am not exactly sure how I feel about the explanation I was given, but she said that orthopedics and PT's will agree that unless you are dealing with a baby or child just learning to walk, the braces are not needed.  Feedback, please!

There is redness at the joint from the big toe to the foot and she thought that it was from his braces, but I am not so sure about that.  I have to take him back in three months for follow-up on Ethan's feet.

What else?  Oh...since the PA was really sweet, I asked her about my knee.  {I hurt it somehow during my missions trip in New York City back in April- NO idea how, but something is definitely wrong!}  She was sweet enough to ask me some questions and actually feel my knee.  After her mini-exam for me, she tells me that I definitely need a MRI.  Freaking Fabulous.  Torn tendon or something.  Surgery possible.  On the bright side, there's a possibility that I may only need injections.  Happy, happy, joy, joy.

On another side note:  Ethan weighed in at 47.2 pounds!!!  Holy shmoley.  That boy needs to learn to climb into his own car seat...

Poppy Seeds

Poppy Seeds.  Poppy Seeds are my favorite.  ♥

Alright, alright...

My family back home seems to have the "We know something's wrong" vibe going on.  And, as much as I hate to admit it because I would much rather deny it, crawl back into a hole and avoid it, and then (temporarily) get over it, they're right.  Something is wrong.  But, it's very personal.  It's my own personal emotion that no one can fix.

I have had these emotions for a long time, but they have magnified since September and then peaked when the clock struck midnight on New Year's.  The basic long story short is that *I* want another baby.  I have wanted a sibling for Ethan for years now.  We felt fortunate to only have Ethan when he battled leukemia and we felt that he deserved some "normal" life after treatment just dedicated to him.  Ever since, it just seems that we have hit road block after road block- Ethan not walking independently/Ethan not communicating much/money/job losses/insurance loss...

While things have definitely improved and we are blessed for sure, my desires are simply mine and mine alone.  My partner in life does not share my desire.  That is crushing. 

It breaks my heart that Ethan may never be a big brother.  It breaks my heart that I may never have grandchildren.  Selfishly, I want the opportunity to know what "normal" is.  And, time is ticking.

Ethan turns 10 this year.  Ten.Years.Old.  That's a significant number to me.  Double digits.  There was just always something about if we went 10 years without having another baby, it won't ever happen.  It's been ten years since I felt the first movement inside of me from that precious gift of mine.  I missed it the moment I gave birth, and I have missed it ever since.  Pregnancy is an amazing gift and treasure from God and I question why my desire has been made so strong if God knows it will never happen for me again. 

Of course, I can't see the future and I can't definitively say I will never have another baby, but at this point in time that future is not looking so bright.  Instead of shades, I need a flashlight.

In so many ways, I can almost understand infertility.  My heart breaks for all the families who have such a desire in their hearts to have a baby in their belly to love and nurture.  I try my best on most days to remind myself that there is a plan and that everything does happen for a reason, but some days it is just hard. 

We all have our good days and our bad.  These days for me were just bad.  I turned 34 on Sunday which means that I am now on the downward spiral to the almighty 35 and the label of Advanced Maternal Age, which also didn't help much.  I wanted to go to church, but couldn't stop crying.  I never left my bedroom on Sunday.  I did not answer calls.  I never opened my laptop.  I was blessed by the pinging of hundreds of Facebook birthday messages to my phone, and when I updated my status yesterday to say that those messages from family and friends brought sunshine to my day, I was being honest.  I love you all for loving me through my bad days. 

Trust that I am fine, I am just missing a part in my heart.