The Grinch Stole My Christmas...

Thanks Kimberly for the line :)

I'm going to whine. It is solely for me, so please just ignore me, but if you choose to read on, be prepared for the whine to flow...

I do, sincerely, hope that everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I do. I guess it's just getting to me more today even than yesterday. We did not have a "Christmas". I have not worked (outside of the home, according to Mark), besides some Uppercase Living shows, since January. How we have made it this far without losing our house is purely God providing.

I did not put up a tree. I did not buy a single present. I did not even have cards printed.

I chose to be thankful for Jesus' birth over the secular celebration of Christmas. It's not about the presents anyway, it's about Jesus. Jesus is the reason for the season...

But, somewhere along the way yesterday, after seeing picture after picture posted on Facebook, Myspace, or blogs of the abundance of Christmas giving, I found myself feeling like I cheated Ethan out of something.

I am the one who lost my job that would have provided a Christmas for my son.

I am the one who put our family in this position. Many people tell me to not blame myself for what happened because everything happens for a reason, but at times like this, it is very difficult. I know that I needed to be available for Ethan's doctor appointments and therapy's. I needed to be available for his surgery. So, I know that it happened for a reason, I just have a hard time understanding it fully some days. Christmas being one of them.

I have always been the giver. I don't expect anything in return, so I understand that those who have been so kind with gifts for Ethan do not expect anything in return either, but it's still hard to not be able to give back. This is all new territory for me.

And, honestly- I don't need anything except a winning lottery ticket, but don't we all? Ethan doesn't need anything except maybe some equipment that is not something I can run down to Wal-Mart and pick up.

But, THANK YOU to those who did think of Ethan when you were Christmas shopping. We are blessed to have you in our lives.

Going to Virginia was my present to Ethan. I felt that he could use some time with some peers. Ok, it was a present to me too. I needed the time away. I wish that Scott could've gone with us too, but maybe our present to him was to have time alone. LOL!

And, I guess I feel the need to mention that my trip to Africa was fully sponsored. My out-of-pocket was minimal, basically a shot and some food. I was very blessed. I can only imagine someone out there is reading and thinking, "But, didn't she spend 10 days in Africa? That isn't cheap!".

Like I said, this is a whine for me. I feel like I have let my family down and while I am ecstatic for everyone who had a blessed Christmas, I am reminded of our not being able to have one. And, I feel awful for even saying such selfish things, especially because I know that my dear friend, Karen, is aching right now this holiday season without Olivia. I was even a crap friend by not going to see her or call. I just was not there emotionally, which is no excuse.

I took these pictures of Karen and Olivia last year. I will forever cherish them. I miss you Livvie. I need some eskimo's.