"THE TALK"

Wow, it's been a while since I have been here.  Lots has happened in the last two months- we went to California, Ethan turned TEN, our niece {Samantha} got married, Ethan completed the 3rd grade {functional curriculum}, and we are now in the routine of summer.

Before we left for California, Shep was retching really bad and I was very concerned.  I took him to the vet and after x-rays and exam, it was determined that allergies were the culprit of the retching but what was also discovered was that his cancer had spread to his lungs.  :'( 

Shep also had a growth on his booty that wasn't huge, but looked painful.  Well, that tumor has grown and Shep has been having some issues.  He is not eating as much and has had some bleeding.  I will spare the graphic details, but it's really bad.  And, it makes him smell....bad.  Poor thing wants to come in the house more, but he just smells so bad now.  It breaks our hearts.

I took Shep into the vet this morning to see about what we can do about the growth, if anything.  And, in a nutshell, we can opt to have it removed but there is no guarantee that more problems won't arise OR even that he could make it through anesthesia since his lungs are so bad. 

Then, she said it. 

"It's almost time to talk about options.  He's really really sick."

I don't have a timeline, only "he doesn't have much time".  We discussed quality over quanitity, burial or cremation. 

Everyone has told me that we will know and right now, I just don't know and I am not prepared to make that call even though I have known this day was coming since we first learned of his cancer. 

I totally understand why my Mom says "NO MORE PETS" after one passes...this is just too much.

It's just too much some days...

Today being one of them.

First, my car died yesterday.  No warning or anything.  The starter just decided to have a massive heart attack.  That's going to cost over $300.  Nice. 

So, I am already emotional about the money stuff and I go to pick up Ethan from school.  SIDE BAR:  HUGE thanks to our neighbor's for offering their other car to us so I could take Ethan to/from school!  One of Ethan's classmates comes out of school, sees his Momma and runs with elation at the sight of her and excitement that she was there.  Ethan sees me and cries.  He's been doing this for a while because he just doesn't want to leave school.  I know that I should be happy that he doesn't want to leave school, but some days it's just way more than my heart can handle.

Signed,
Broken-Hearted Momma

Doctor Appointments For My Boys

Today was all about doctor appointments for Ethan and Shep.  Ethan had his neurosurgery follow-up and Shep had to see the vet.  One had good news and one had not-so-good news...

Good News:  Ethan is doing GREAT and has all but been discharged.  We only need to return to the neurosurgery clinic if we notice any significant changes.  ☺

Not-So-Good-News:  There is a high probability that Shep's cancer has spread to his lungs.  :'(

I took Shep in today because he has been retching for a few weeks.  It is awful sounding.  He never actually vomits, but oy vey- poor pups seems to try.  I freaked out about bloat or twisted tummy {Hello, anyone see Marley & Me???}. 

After an exam, I agreed that an x-ray was needed.  The good news was that his tummy is perfect.  The bad news was that there was a "suspicious" something near his pancreas.  But, the big not-so-good news is that it was really difficult to see Shep's lungs.  They were very cloudy and the vet even said that it was difficult to hear air flow through his lungs.  While the vet could not confirm that the cancer has spread, Scott and I are fairly confident that this is what's happening.  It doesn't explain the retching, though.  That was still a puzzle and the theory is that he has drainage from allergies {too bad Juice Plus+ for dogs isn't available anymore! ;)} just like us humans have. 

Now what?  We watch his breathing and keep him comfortable.  This is not operable, nor would we put Shep through that.  He is getting up there in age, but he still has quite a bit of pep in his step and he is not telling us that it's "time".  We have put him on some antihistamines hoping that it helps the retching. 

Thanks to my Mom for letting me cry with her when I was freaking out and to Heathe for calming my fears.  xoxo

Heartbroken...

Two months ago, my sister-in-law, Cindy, called me and said that Ashley was graduating from LPN school and she thought it would be an awesome surprise if I could come and surprise her.  While I wanted to, of course, I wasn't quite sure how I would pull it off as I only had a few days to make it happen and they live in Upstate New York.  Well, it was meant to happen because I pulled it off.  From getting Ethan covered to the ultimate surprise to Ashley AND Jennifer.  {I will have to write that post up sometime since it really was a lot of fun :)}

I got to be there when my niece, Ashley, was pinned as a LPN.  Talk about tears filled with pride and joy!  I have loved Cindy's girls from the moment I met them.  I went from Ms. Kristen to Aunt Kristen and loved it.  I have watched the girls grow into beautiful young ladies from the inside out.  I am blessed to be their Aunt and blessed to have shared in this special occasion. 



Ashley called me a few weeks ago and shared with me that I was going to be a Great Aunt.  She was expecting a baby with her boyfriend, Jake.  I love that she felt safe in telling me.  Even though she an adult and 22 years old, she is not married and I am sure lots of "kids" out there would still feel nervous to announce an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, but she knew that she could tell me without judgement.  Unconditional love.

Ashley and Jake- two young adults in love and about to have a baby.

Something went wrong, so very wrong.  For reasons only Jake knows, he took his own life last week.  Ashley is, understandably, crushed.  I am crushed and heartbroken for her.  I just want to wrap my arms around her, hold her, and make this pain go away.  I want her to understand that this was not her fault.  I know that will take time. 

Cindy and Emily (sister) drove with Ash to Kansas City so she could see him and be there for his funeral.  I know that this has to be the most difficult thing that she has ever faced and she is going to need prayers.  Lots of them.  Thank you for offering them up for my sweet Ashley.

Also, please pray for Jake's family.  Jake was about to be a father, but he was already a son, grandson, nephew, Uncle, and brother.  Hearts are broken without understanding. 

Jake will be honored at his funeral tomorrow with full military honors as he was a soldier for our country and served overseas.  May he be have peace.



I never met Jake, but I love him because Ashley loves him and because he is forever part of our family with the new life they created.  My heart is absolutely broken because someone I love is in tremendous heartache and pain.  I just want to take it away...

Happy Mail

Today, I received a letter from my girl, Martha, at the Challenge Farm.  Martha has written me a few letters and I am so bad.  She is always in my thoughts and prayers, but I have slacked on physically writing her.  Her letter today is such a boost. 

*****

♥  Hey mum, how are you doing?  I have missed you so much.  I wish that I could be there but I just thank God for everything that He has done for me.  And I just thank you Mum so much for sacrifice yourself to sponsor me.  I am happy so much that you will not imagine.  ♥  I hope my brother have grown bigger than last year.  I hope one day I will see him with my own two eyes.  I hope even my Dad is doing good, I pray to my God that I will see all of you and I am praying for you to come back at Challenge Farm for me.  I love you so much!  So much Mum.

*****

I love this child so much!  How sweet is it that she refers to me as her Mum?  Or Ethan as her brother?  Or Scott as her Dad?  I just wish I could bring her home with me.  I have faith that I will return to Challenge Farm again one day and hug my sweet Martha and the other kids.  Gosh, I miss Africa.

It's easy...

It's easy to throw a word around to be insulting.

It's easy to hide behind excuses- "I didn't mean it that way", "I don't think Ethan is that"...

It's easy to say "Oops, sorry", and then go about your day without a care in the world...repeatedly.

It's easy to use my son's medical diagnosis- something he has NO control over, as a joke. 

http://www.r-word.org/

Take the pledge.  Take the pledge to spread the word to END the word retard(ed). 

This is not a "you're just too sensitive" or "here comes the PC police" issue.  This is a respect issue.  I ask that you do your part, for Ethan, and all of those with intellectual disabilities.  A person's medical diagnosis should not be the "go to" for a laugh or insult to another.  While you are laughing at your inventive insult, you are hurting me, Ethan, and so many others. 

My friend, Amy, has written the most powerful, eye-opening, and heartfelt post.  Please take a moment to read "Why the word retard isn't funny".  You can also follow Amy's journey here.

This is just a snippet of what we hear all the time.  Nice, right?

When we hear the word "retard" used as an insult, way to demean someone, to feel less than, to laugh at a joke – it is beyond disrespectful. It shows that the user has no compassion, love, or empathy. It shows a lack of education. It shows a lack of being kind. It shows a lack of treating others as you wish to be treated. It shows ignorance. You DO mean Ethan when you use this word so don't use it.

You can do this.  You can make a difference.  You can take the pledge.  You can choose respect over insult.  It really IS an easy thing to do.

Love this!

Way too important not to share! Some just do not know what they are missing! Others are very fortunate! If you're looking for a plan B in this economy, you may want to look at having your own virtual franchise!!!

http://www.juiceplusvirtualfranchise.com/

Ready for a Plan B? 97% of people work a J.O.B = (Just Over Broke). All of them want a M.B.A. = (Massive Bank Account). They are clueless on how to create wealth and be R.I.C.H = (Residual Income Creates Happiness). Continuously surrounding themselves with H.A.T.E.R.S = (Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success). And then wonder why they are P.O.O.R = (Passing Over Opportunity Repeatedly).

{Thanks, Michelle for posting for me to steal!  :) }

Can't afford it?

I was at the grocery store the other day and needed to pick up some fresh fruit. 

I browsed the apple section and glanced at the price.  $1.99/lb.  Ok, so how many apples will that get me?


ONE.  One apple for $1.99 {ok, slightly under since the apple was just under a pound}. 

Juice Plus+ provides the nutrition from 17 vine-ripened fruits, vegetables, and grains for $1.39/day.  That is less than the cost of one apple a day. 

What are you waiting for?

http://www.fillthegap-juiceplus.com/

Choices

Today, I had to make a very difficult choice.  And, after I tell you what choice I had to make, I am sure that you will agree that it would be hard for anybody to choose. 

This morning, I had the pleasure of going to church with my friend Nancy.  Just me and her.  Ethan and Scott stayed home.  Once I got home and had lunch, I either had to tackle the laundry oorrrrrrrrrr grab a pillow and a few blankets, along with my favorite son and head outside onto the hammock for the best time of snuggles and Sunday nap.  SUCH.A.HARD.DECISON.

It was a little cooler today than yesterday, but it made it so that Ethan cuddled up to me really close.  I had my forehead to his and I thought of how peaceful it was to be outside without phone, tv, or internet, and to hear the birds chirping, and to open my eyes to watch the clouds drift by. 

I ended up not sleeping much at all.  I ended up staring at my beautiful son sleep.  I listened to his precious "sleepy" talk and wondered what he was dreaming.  I looked at the peach fuzz on his face as the wind blew across his handsome face.  I watched his long eyelashes flicker as he dreamt.  I watched his body rise and fall with each inhale and exhale of breath.  I watched in amazement of this amazing creation that I brought into this world.

As I reflected upon his complete and total perfection, my heart was sad for all of the uneducated people who would choose to NOT bring a child like Ethan into this world because of fear of the unknown or fear of not being normal or perfect.  He is the most precious gift that Scott and I have to date.  I hope that people who know us or meet us know that. 

So, today I had to make the {obviously} simple choice to let the laundry wait another day in order for me to have one on one time with my boy and all of his perfection.  Gosh, I hope that I have to face that choice again soon.

Inspiration Through Opportunity*

Inspiration Through Opportunity*

By Kristen Faulkner Pfafftown, NC

Nearly eight years ago, our son, Ethan, was born. We had no idea what was in store for us — even before we got the news Ethan has Down syndrome! My husband, Scott, and I chose to focus on our baby and not the fact that he was sporting an extra chromosome. While we appreciated people further along in this journey offering us support, it was overwhelming to hear about what their older kids were doing. We just wanted to love Ethan and enjoy his babyhood...

We immediately enrolled Ethan in Early Intervention (EI). Monthly home visits increased to weekly with constant reassurance that Ethan was “right where we expect him to be.” Not having other children or direct involvement with other children with DS, those words were blissful music.

Ethan will be a superstar and prove everyone wrong about how successful a person with Down syndrome can be!

Time passed and it became obvious Ethan was not where he should be developmentally. We asked for more EI visits, physical, occupational and speech therapy. The news was discouraging with limited therapy options and an hour plus drive to see a private pediatric therapist. Our speech requests were denied since “children with DS don’t talk until they are older than three anyway.” After running in circles trying to get Ethan the necessary services, a door opened… across the country!

Based on his needs, Ethan was accepted into a five-star developmental day preschool program, passing over six children on the waiting list ahead of him. It was heart-wrenching to leave our family, friends and everything familiar to give Ethan the opportunity to catch up in his development in an inclusive preschool with all of his therapists in one setting. We felt we had to take the chance. We were so fortunate to have found such an amazing school.

We were confident Ethan would catch up and prove that children with DS can do anything if given the opportunity!

 Unfortunately, Ethan’s health rapidly declined soon after we arrived in our new home. After four months of continuous infections, antibiotics, fevers and restless nights, a blood test revealed all of Ethan’s blood counts were dangerously low. Not just anemic, but requiring a blood transfusion.

A repeat CBC and a referral to our local children’s hospital confirmed Ethan was about to face the fight of his life — quite literally. Three months shy of his third birthday, Ethan was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) and underwent surgery to have a port-a-cath placed in his chest to begin chemotherapy treatment.

Over the course of the nearly three-year course of treatment, including daily doses of chemotherapy, Ethan was hospitalized countless times. (The parking deck employees actually thought that I was an employee because they “saw me all the time.”) From blood infections and pneumonia, to an actual Code Blue and induced coma in the PICU due to a bronchoscopy gone terribly wrong, the hospital was our home away from home.

During his treatment we discovered Ethan also had dysphasia and required thickened liquids, severe acid reflux and a B-cell deficiency. These discoveries added to Ethan’s time in the hospital due to aspirate pneumonia from both food being swallowed AND reflux coming back up. We couldn’t focus on therapy. Our main concern was for Ethan to beat his battle with cancer.

When we could finally claim victory over the cancer, I began my own inner battle. I needed to move on to the next challenges…walking…talking…chewing food….

It has been incredibly difficult to watch children younger than Ethan surpass him in their development. To see children — born years after Ethan — walking or communicating leaves emptiness within my husband and me. But, we continued to remind ourselves that chemo and hospitalizations are not a desirable combination on any day, particularly for a child with special needs who developmentally may rapidly regress.

For some reason, Scott and I focused on walking. I think we just wanted him to be up and about with his peers. I figured that if Ethan was running around with other kids, communication would soon follow. The same was true with oral motor skills and eating...if other kids were doing it, so would Ethan. We had to start somewhere; and, for us, that was walking.

A year after finishing treatment, Ethan still did not attempt to walk or do more than minimal weight bearing. Someone told me about a rare neurological condition called Tethered Cord Syndrome (TCS). The more I looked into it, I felt there was a strong possibility that Ethan had TCS. I asked the doctor, a local neurosurgeon, to order an MRI to confirm the diagnosis. He refused, saying TCS “is not Down syndrome-related.” I persisted and finally, nearly a year later, a MRI confirmed Ethan had been born with TCS.

This taught me an important lesson about following instincts. When I have a gut feeling about something regarding Ethan, I pay attention. I urge other parents to do so, too.

Three months ago, a different neurosurgeon performed the surgical repair. The new doctor said there was no doubt Ethan needed the surgery and that it was likely the main cause of his slow growth and difficulty with walking. Since the surgery, we have seen an amazing improvement in Ethan’s walking. He is visibly excited to be up and independent.

Technically, Ethan’s needs classify him as “severe and profound delayed.” This still brings moments of sadness. We remind ourselves that this sweet child of ours has faced more challenges than average. In addition to everything else, Ethan has also been diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), a form of autism.

Because of Ethan’s severe delays, I feared he would never get to know students outside of his classroom, but his neighboring students love Ethan! My son is a little celebrity at school. The kids say “hi” and “bye” to Ethan in his very own ESL (Ethan Sign Language). His fellow students want to help him walk and learn. They want to know Ethan. The kids describe Ethan as sweet, fun, nice, loving, friendly, smart and walking. They see a friend who is a good kid, likes to play, is part of their school family and says "hello" in a special way.

Recently, some of the students wrote letters to Ethan. When I read them, my heart bursts with happiness and pride:

• “When you laugh, it makes me happy.”

• “I love having you in our class.”

• “Ethan, you’re awesome!”

• “You are an intelligent person.”

• “You make a difference in my life.”

• “Every time you come in our classroom, if someone is sad and you give them a smile, then they feel happy again.”

• “I have seen you mad, sad, happy, and glad. I have seen all your feelings. I love being with you.”

• “You’re really not that different than me — you just have harder hair.”

• “After getting to know him, my children grew to love Ethan and realized the beauty of children with special needs.” (from a parent and teacher)

Ethan’s school principal says:

Ethan brings such a great perspective to our daily lives.  He is absolutely the most popular young man in our school! Our students love him for who he is.  They have learned about his struggles and assist him in such a caring and loving way. They do not see him as “different,” they see him as “theirs.” They embrace him and help him learn..and all the while he is helping them learn...he helps us all learn about mutual respect, persistence, consistency, patience, kindness, and genuine happiness. We are better because we know Ethan.

Over the past few years, I have found myself feeling as if I didn’t belong in the DS “club” anymore because of Ethan’s delays. We did not fit the profile of a DS “superstar.” That felt very isolating.

Now, while Ethan may never be the keynote speaker at a podium or a world-class athlete, I know that he is a superstar in his own right. Ethan has already overcome so many obstacles in his life and has inspired so many people. Today, I celebrate my son and his successes, be it nail trimming without a tantrum or that first independent step.

*Reprinted from 2009 by request, original blog reference here.

My sweet boy...

My darling, sweet boy melted my heart this morning.  After I dropped Ethan off at school this morning, I went to Krispy Kreme to get the class some heart-shaped donuts (YUMMO). 

When I got into the class, they were in the middle of circle time.  Ethan turned around and saw me come in.  He gave me a sweet grin- which was precious, but what totally melted my heart was when he looked around his teacher to see me again and he then blew me kisses and signed "hi" without any prompting! 

Functional and appropriate communication.  Freaking LOVE it!!!  ♥

Princess O

Three years ago, Olivia left us.  It is so hard to believe that 3 years has passed.  Not a day goes by that she is not in our thoughts.  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't miss her.  I can actually still smell her hair.  I cannot fully express to anyone how much that precious little girl meant to me or how much I love that child.  I know that Karen knows and I guess that's all that really matters. 

My wish for Karen today is that she feels the breeze upon her cheek as she gets that kiss from her baby directly from the land of happy.

Olivia's Montage

I always sang this to Olivia.  God Bless her, she asked for it over and over again.  Poor Karen had to listen to me sing it over and over again.  LOL.



As always, please keep Karen and Weldon in your thoughts and prayers today.  Thanks.  ♥

I want this skill back!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Has your child been sick this season?

There are many of us that dread cold/flu season because of what it does to our kids.  The misery, the snot, the coughing, the whining, the crying, the missed school, the missed work...

I have had our family on Juice Plus+ since the summer.  We are not immune to illness, BUT I can report that Scott and I have both had minimal cold symptoms and they only last a day or two.  What is even more exciting for me is that Ethan hasn't been out sick ONCE.  The once immuno-compromised child whose runny nose would always turn into a need for an antibiotic has not been out sick once.  He has been surrounded by kids in his class who have been sick, but he is plugging on.  Coincidence?  I don't think so!  The healing effects of vine-ripened fruits and vegetables are obvious by our own testimony! 

We participate in the Juice Plus+ Children's Health Study.  The study enables us to get Ethan's product free with a paying adult order for up to 3 years.  Some study results have just been released:

The latest results are in!

Based on the responses of 150,000 families participating in the Children's Health Study, taking Juice Plus+® has far-reaching effects on health and well-being.

See the results HERE.

After making Juice Plus+® a part of their daily lives, children and adults are:

• Eating more fruits & vegetables
• After only 4-8 months, over half of children and nearly two-thirds of adults are eating more servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
• Eating less fast food and drinking fewer soft drinks
• After only 4-8 months, two-thirds of children and adults are eating less fast food and drinking fewer soft drinks and/or high-sugar children's beverages every day.
• Drinking more water
• After only 4-8 months, 63% of children and 68% of adults are drinking more water throughout the day.
• Visiting the doctor less
• After only 4-8 months, over half of children and 42% of adults are visiting the doctor less for "sick visits."
• Missing fewer days of school or work
• After only 4-8 months, nearly half of children are missing fewer days of school.
• Likewise, nearly half of adults are missing fewer days of work.
• Taking fewer over-the-counter and/or prescription drugs
• After only 4-8 months, nearly half of children and 34% of adults are taking fewer over-the-counter and/or prescription drugs on a regular basis.
• More aware of their health and wellness
• After only 4-8 months, more than 8 out of 10 children and adults have a greater awareness of their own health and wellness.
• Reaping a positive benefit of some kind
• After only 4-8 months, the vast majority of participants — 92% of children and 94% of adults — are reaping a positive benefit of some kind.

The best news of all is that the longer people stay on Juice Plus+®, the more health benefits they experience.

Juice Plus+® Health Benefits Increase with Time



I want to be a part of your healthy self!  Contact me for more information! 

http://www.fillthegap-juiceplus.com

Poppy Seeds, Lentils, Blueberries...

A few weeks ago, I loved poppy seeds.  Next, Lentils.  Next should have been blueberries. 

This was an inside acknowledgement of my complete joy and happiness for one of my bestest friends.  She had found out that she was pregnant just before New Year's.  What a ray of hope for the upcoming New Year!  I installed the BabyCenter app on my phone so I could be with her every step of the way through her wonderful journey.  I would be Auntie Boo, again, to another blessing. 

Sadly, our dear Lentil never made it to be a Blueberry and our hearts ache.  Please keep my friend and her boyfriend in your prayers.  I take comfort knowing that Lil' Lentil is now with their Big Sister up above. 

Lentil's

I love lentil's...lentil's are my favorite.  ♥

Ortho

I took Ethan to the ortho today for a follow-up from two years ago.  Ethan's last spinal x-ray showed slight scoliosis, but I don't know if it was because he wasn't being still during the x-ray or if he truly has some scoliosis from the tethered cord.  I thought that they would have new x-rays taken today, but they didn't.  It does still appear, by pure observation, that he has slight curvature but nothing of major concern. 

The one thing that I was told today that really took me by surprise was that I was told that Ethan doesn't need his SureSteps any longer.  Ethan's ankles still pronate when he isn't wearing his braces so this really shocked me.  I was told that the SureSteps aren't going to change anything- his feet will still be flat and his ankles will still pronate.  I am not exactly sure how I feel about the explanation I was given, but she said that orthopedics and PT's will agree that unless you are dealing with a baby or child just learning to walk, the braces are not needed.  Feedback, please!

There is redness at the joint from the big toe to the foot and she thought that it was from his braces, but I am not so sure about that.  I have to take him back in three months for follow-up on Ethan's feet.

What else?  Oh...since the PA was really sweet, I asked her about my knee.  {I hurt it somehow during my missions trip in New York City back in April- NO idea how, but something is definitely wrong!}  She was sweet enough to ask me some questions and actually feel my knee.  After her mini-exam for me, she tells me that I definitely need a MRI.  Freaking Fabulous.  Torn tendon or something.  Surgery possible.  On the bright side, there's a possibility that I may only need injections.  Happy, happy, joy, joy.

On another side note:  Ethan weighed in at 47.2 pounds!!!  Holy shmoley.  That boy needs to learn to climb into his own car seat...

Poppy Seeds

Poppy Seeds.  Poppy Seeds are my favorite.  ♥

Alright, alright...

My family back home seems to have the "We know something's wrong" vibe going on.  And, as much as I hate to admit it because I would much rather deny it, crawl back into a hole and avoid it, and then (temporarily) get over it, they're right.  Something is wrong.  But, it's very personal.  It's my own personal emotion that no one can fix.

I have had these emotions for a long time, but they have magnified since September and then peaked when the clock struck midnight on New Year's.  The basic long story short is that *I* want another baby.  I have wanted a sibling for Ethan for years now.  We felt fortunate to only have Ethan when he battled leukemia and we felt that he deserved some "normal" life after treatment just dedicated to him.  Ever since, it just seems that we have hit road block after road block- Ethan not walking independently/Ethan not communicating much/money/job losses/insurance loss...

While things have definitely improved and we are blessed for sure, my desires are simply mine and mine alone.  My partner in life does not share my desire.  That is crushing. 

It breaks my heart that Ethan may never be a big brother.  It breaks my heart that I may never have grandchildren.  Selfishly, I want the opportunity to know what "normal" is.  And, time is ticking.

Ethan turns 10 this year.  Ten.Years.Old.  That's a significant number to me.  Double digits.  There was just always something about if we went 10 years without having another baby, it won't ever happen.  It's been ten years since I felt the first movement inside of me from that precious gift of mine.  I missed it the moment I gave birth, and I have missed it ever since.  Pregnancy is an amazing gift and treasure from God and I question why my desire has been made so strong if God knows it will never happen for me again. 

Of course, I can't see the future and I can't definitively say I will never have another baby, but at this point in time that future is not looking so bright.  Instead of shades, I need a flashlight.

In so many ways, I can almost understand infertility.  My heart breaks for all the families who have such a desire in their hearts to have a baby in their belly to love and nurture.  I try my best on most days to remind myself that there is a plan and that everything does happen for a reason, but some days it is just hard. 

We all have our good days and our bad.  These days for me were just bad.  I turned 34 on Sunday which means that I am now on the downward spiral to the almighty 35 and the label of Advanced Maternal Age, which also didn't help much.  I wanted to go to church, but couldn't stop crying.  I never left my bedroom on Sunday.  I did not answer calls.  I never opened my laptop.  I was blessed by the pinging of hundreds of Facebook birthday messages to my phone, and when I updated my status yesterday to say that those messages from family and friends brought sunshine to my day, I was being honest.  I love you all for loving me through my bad days. 

Trust that I am fine, I am just missing a part in my heart.

A New Brother

Last night, I actually wish that I was having an insomniac moment as my baby sister called me at 1am.  I was sooooooo far gone into dreamland when "I've got soul, but am not a soldier" {her ringtone} started blaring from my phone.  Startled, and a bit concerned as to why Kamrin would be calling me at 1am, I {quite groggily} answered.  My sweet sister says, "Sorry to wake you up, but I needed you to know before you saw it on Facebook in the morning...Kyle and I just got engaged". 

Awwwww....

From that point, I think I was not very coherent, but basically said that I was happy for her.  I also asked the stupidest question on the planet- "Are you happy?".  Like she was going to say no.  Blame it on the fact that I was more than half asleep. 

And yes, she knows me well.  I would have been REALLY upset to find out about her engagement via Facebook had she not made the executive decision to call me at 1am.  ;-)

Kamrin & Kyle on their cruise a year ago {I think}

The ring!  {A Hearts on Fire solitaire}

Kamrin and her love, Kyle Turner {yes, that's Mr. Turner's son for all you MCHS'ers}, AKA:  Mr. & Mrs. Soon-to-be Mrs. Turner  ;)

Kyle's a great guy, just a little height challenged compared to our family, LOL.  I was able to talk to Kamrin earlier with a lot more enthusiasm than early this morning.  The best news, for me, is that once they are married, she can fly to see me via the military for FREE!  WOOT WOOT!!!  Granted, the nearest military base to fly into is a bit farther, but I don't care!

When I told Ethan today that Auntie Kamrin got engaged to Kyle and that Kyle would soon be his Uncle, I then asked him if he was excited about having a new Uncle Kyle.  Ethan was so excited, I wish that I would have had it on video. 

Anywho, CONGRATULATIONS sista!!!  *muah*