Losses

I didn't really want to talk about it, but I know that I need to get some of my thoughts out, so here it goes...

Three weeks ago, I suffered a miscarriage. I hadn't shared I was pregnant with anyone yet, not even Scott. We had plans to go on a date to Red Lobster on Monday for Lobsterfest (I was craving) and I had planned on telling him then. Scott found out I was pregnant when I told him my body was rejecting it. During a painful evening, my darling husband was so sweet and came up to my belly, kissed it, and said "feel better". Something so simple, yet so incredibly needed and appreciated.

I was very early on, but the pain that followed was horrible. Both emotional AND physical. The cramping was so intense- as if I was having contractions for days. Something that I have yearned for and dreamed for was leaving me and there wasn't anything I could do about it. The thoughts that enter your mind as you are suffering such loss is not good for one's soul. You have to be stronger than those thoughts, you have to take control of them before they consume you. I had my fair share of uncontrollable tears, sure, but I had to throw myself around people that I knew would bring my positivity back to the forefront. And, that's exactly what I did. I packed up for a weekend trip to Virginia and enjoyed myself.

I felt silly even telling the ones I did tell because of how early it was. Even today, as I read that our friend who was much farther along in her pregnancy than I was, suffered another great loss of her baby and I think, "Do I even have a place for grief after what they are going through right now?". My heart breaks for her, her husband, and their daughter who was SO excited to be a big sister! But, I read somewhere that a loss is a loss, no matter how early or late. That helped me.

I don't know why this happened. I don't know why my body rejected the pregnancy. I am deeply saddened. I know there is a reason and that "God has a plan", but that's not what I want or need to hear. I don't need to dwell on this loss, but I need to acknowledge it.

I pray that we have the chance again to be excited over an addition to our family! You can pray with us. And, to my family- this does not mean that I want you asking me every month if I'm pregnant. ;) Trust me, if and when I ever am, you will know before they are born. :)

So now I wait for my hormones to get back in check. One day I may feel like killing my husband. The next, I may be ok. There is no rhyme or reason and I cannot explain it other than my hormones are all a whack. So, there ya go...if I bite your head off, I apologize.

Much love.

Routine

The other night we had made Ethan's dinner and it just so happened to be leftovers- oh how we love leftovers! We were able to mash up the food enough to not have to puree it in the food processor. So, we go and put the bowl in front of Ethan and he pushes it away- he refuses to even take a bite. Now, Ethan loves to eat so for him to push his food away, it's just odd. Scott wonders if it's because we didn't use the processor. Ethan knows that every night for dinner, his food goes into the food processor to puree, then into his bowl. Scott tries to pull a fast one on him and blocks the food processor so Ethan can't see it, and then runs it without putting any food in it. Yeah, nice try. E still refuses his food. Grrrrrr.... So, Scott then says fine, it needs to be pureed. E watched Scott put the food into the FP, listened to the FP run, and then happily ate his dinner. Moral of the story? Don't eff with E's dinner routine.

Ethan's Birth Story

I don't think that I have posted this, ever.  I wrote it up for another website which is why I never posted it, I guess.  I thought that I could always forward people to the post on the other site.  Anywho, it was never posted there, so here it is now.

Ethan’s Birth Story

May 24, 2001.  I was relaxing at home, anxiously awaiting my May 29^th due date.  My older sister had called me that morning to check in and see how I was.   My doctor had taken me out of work to start my maternity leave due to elevated blood pressure.  I had done my nesting- the living room had been rearranged,  every nook and cranny had been sterilized, hospital bag was packed, clothes were washed and hung, bottles were washed and sterilized, diapers were stocked, and the infant seat was securely installed. 

After talking with my sister, I noticed some signs of early labor.  We knew we were having a boy and we knew his name would be Ethan Scott Faulkner.  I knew he was going to be making his appearance very soon. 

I went about my day as planned- I had a date with my manicurist for pretty nails, and even though I was not scheduled for a pedicure, she was sweet to redo my French pedicure {because you know that matters- pretty toes when giving birth!}.  I had contractions throughout the day but nothing that made me think it was time to head to the hospital.  I really wanted to labor as much as possible at home.  One of my biggest fears was to labor at home, get to the hospital and be told to go home.

After running errands most of the day, I headed home to relax as much as possible.  I called my husband, Scott, to tell him to not go very far from work because I really felt that Ethan was coming.  I unpacked and repacked the hospital bag.  I sat in Ethan’s nursery, looked around and thought to myself how Scott and I were about to become parents and a family of three.  I caressed my belly and enjoyed one last episode of hiccups inside of me.  I knew that I would miss feeling him inside of me once he was born.

Except for sciatica, Ethan was kind to me during my pregnancy- no morning sickness, no bruised ribs, and no unbearable sleepless nights.  I felt bad for women who are miserable during pregnancy because I loved every second of it. 

Scott came home from work close to 6pm and was so cute and nervous.  Every contraction had a question attached to it:  Is it time?  At 10pm, I finally responded with “Yes, we can go to the hospital now”.

We arrived to the hospital and were checked in by 10:30pm.  I was given my ever-so-stylish hospital gown and climbed on to the bed for my first “check”. 

2 centimeters.  -2 Station.  No effacement.  My biggest fear about to come true!  They were going to send me home! 

Luckily, I was the only laboring Mother that night so the nurses let me walk around for an hour before sending me home. 

Check #2:  4 centimeters, 0 station, 80% effaced!  We were not going home without a baby!

Since the walking and rocking worked so well, we did it again! 

Check #3:  6 centimeters, +1 station, 100% effaced!  This is when the nurses kicked into overdrive since my labor was, obviously, moving quicker than anyone could have imagined considering where I was when we got to the hospital.  The nurses rushed to get my IV in and give me my medication to protect Ethan since I was Group Beta Strep positive.  Just as my IV was going in, my water broke. 

Up until my water breaking, my contractions were mild.  I was offered a water birth, but my OB denied the request due to my GBS+ status, so we opted for the Plan B offered:  a warm shower.  Contractions became intense and it became clear that I had back labor.  Scott had to massage my lower back and keep the warm water on me simultaneously.  After only being in the shower for 20 minutes, I was checked and was fully dilated and ready to deliver! 

Everything was moving so quickly, there was no time to even think.  I didn’t even think to ask for my glasses so I could see!  After 20 minutes of pushing, Ethan made his grand entrance.

May 25, 2001, 1:21am.  Ethan Scott Faulkner.  8 pounds, 20 ½ inches picture of perfection.

Ethan had a BUNCH of black hair and barely cried.  His APGAR scores were 8 and 9.  His placenta was healthy.  Some people find it odd that I cared and wanted to see his placenta, but I wanted to see what nourished our baby for nine months.  We were given no indication that anything was wrong.

Scott went home around 3:30am after Ethan and I were settled into a (shared) postpartum room.  I don’t know how I was expected to sleep after just giving birth to our first son.  Ethan was placed in the bassinet beside me, lights were off, and all I wanted to do was hold him and call everyone to announce Ethan’s arrival! 

Ethan never cried once in those early hours after his birth.  He did make the most precious suckling motion with his lips that made me think he was hungry, but when I asked the nurse all she said was that he would cry if he was hungry.

Later that morning after 7am rounds, the pediatrician came into my “room”.  Ethan had been taken to the nursery for the evaluation.  The pediatrician stood beside my bed and uttered the words forever etched in my brain:  “I have concerns.  Your baby has markers for Down syndrome”.  She then shared with me the markers that she was concerned about- singular palmar crease and eye shape being the primary concerns.

I was ALONE.  I was scared.  I wanted to see my baby.  I wanted her to be wrong.  I had that overwhelming feeling of nervousness.  I wanted visiting hours to hurry up and arrive so I would not be alone in this fear anymore.

I took the prenatal screening tests (AFP) and it was negative.  I was 24 years old!  What did I do to cause my baby to have Down syndrome? 

I couldn’t wait for Scott to arrive for visiting hours; I had to call him at home.  He made sure to get to the hospital as soon as he was allowed.  He was speechless and didn’t know really what to say about the pediatrician’s concerns.  I think that he was silently praying that she was wrong.

Throughout the day, we welcomed visitors.  My Mom and older sister helped me try to breastfeed, but Ethan would not latch on.  The nurses continued to tell me that when Ethan was hungry, he would cry.  But, he never cried. 

I shared the concerns about Ethan with my family and friends who visited.  They assured me that he was “perfect” and his almond-shaped eyes were mine, and that they did not see any resemblance of a child with Down syndrome.  I would stare at Ethan throughout the day looking to see what the doctor saw, but I just never did- not that I had much experience seeing babies with Down syndrome, but the image that I had in my head did not look like my son.

As the day became early evening, I asked Scott to go check on Ethan since he had been taken earlier to the nursery for an evaluation, but it had been quite a while.  I really felt that he should have been returned to us by then.  Scott came back and said that a nurse would be in shortly to talk with us.

The nurse came in and asked us to come to the nursery.

Scott and I came around the corner into the nursery to a visual I will never forget- Ethan under an oxygen hood with monitors hooked onto him.

“Mr. and Mrs. Faulkner, your baby is not able to keep his oxygen saturation up, his blood sugar is low, he is showing signs of fighting infection, and we believe we hear a heart murmur.  The doctor is on the phone with Valley Children’s Hospital now.  He may need to be transported.”

The pediatrician finished speaking with the children’s hospital and it was decided that Ethan would need to be transported to Valley Children’s- an hour away.  VCH was sending an ambulance transport team to take Ethan to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit where he could be properly monitored and cared for, and also where an echocardiogram could be done.

At less than 24 hours old, Ethan was placed in a baby isolette and loaded into an ambulance.  Scott and I were numb.  I was discharged from the hospital with strict instructions for myself and we left to meet the ambulance at VCH.  Scott and I left the hospital without a baby in my belly or the infant carrier seat that was secured in the back seat.

Oddly enough, we still held on to hope that the doctor’s suspicions were wrong.  One of my first questions to the neonatologist was if he was sure that Ethan did in fact have Down syndrome.  “Yes, I am sure.  Of course, we will not know definitively until the chromosomal tests are done, but I am sure.”

My Mom and Dad had rushed to meet us at the new hospital and even though I had my husband, all I wanted was my Mommy…Mommy would make it all better, right?

We spent close to four days in the NICU.  The echocardiogram did not show a major defect, he was breathing room air efficiently, and was eating enough to gain back some of the weight he had lost. 

We brought Ethan home on May 29, 2001- his due date.  We had fears and we were overwhelmed, but our son was here, he was beautiful, and he was LOVED.  There was nothing any doctor could tell us that would change that we loved our son with every bit of our souls.

Two weeks later, we repeated the echocardiogram and were cleared from cardiology.  We were also given our confirmation that Ethan does have Down syndrome.  To me, it didn’t matter anymore.  He was my son and I would do whatever I needed to do to make sure he had the best life possible.  I would have done the same thing if he didn’t have Down syndrome, so why would that extra chromosome change that?

Scott and I chose to not bury ourselves in medical jargon or the future in the beginning.  For one, the internet was just out and we had dial-up which made it easier to not get stuck on the computer, but most importantly we wanted to enjoy our baby as a baby and not rob him, or US, of that.

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Disciple Concert

Scott's favorite band has been Disciple for as long as I can remember.  He has been going to their shows for years- since we lived in California, actually.  Since the band hails from Tennessee, once we moved to North Carolina, Scott found more shows to go to that were more local.  I admit that the music was a little bit harder than I would typically listen to so Scott would go to the shows by himself.

Over the years, I have joked that Scott is their groupie.  He has seen them in 8 states (I think that's right) and hopes to add more states to the list.  The band always does a meet 'n greet after the show and Scott was always diligent at going through the line once and then waiting until the end to go through again.  This is where the friendship began with Kevin, Disciple's lead singer.  Scott was invited after a show one night to go to dinner with the band.  Scott, of course, went.  Scott was able to share with Kevin about me and Ethan.  Ethan was still in treatment for leukemia at the time.  Kevin wanted to meet us.

The next day, we met Kevin for lunch.  What a wonderful man he is and we are honored to call him our friend.  Kevin has such a heart for God and sharing His message.  It is truly a blessing to any person who attends their show!  And, I am definitely a fan.

{Kevin, reading scripture during my birthday show}

{My birthday, 2009, with Disciple}

{Scott, Ethan, and I with Kevin}

Scott has passed on his love of rocking out to Disciple down to Ethan.  It's what Daddy always plays during mealtime with Ethan.  Ethan definitely has his favorite songs and he LOVES it when Daddy dances with him.  We even take Bubs to concerts when we can- the last one being a week and a half ago, and it's a beautiful thing.

{Bubs & Daddy rocking out, Disciple Jan. 2, 2009}

{Bubs & Daddy rockingn out, Disciple Oct. 5, 2012}

{I love this picture.}

I have a love/hate feeling about the blurry shots from this month's show.  Bummed  they're blurry, but have to smile because I know that they are blurry because they were moving so much that it  was impossible to catch a shot that wasn't blurry!

{Kevin, praying for everyone}

{Bubs' reaction to the concert being over.  And, may I just add that I think that he looks SO grown up here!}

Kevin even posted Scott and Ethan's IDSC for Life photo on their Facebook page.  Even though they are on the road so much and we only see them when they get to roll through town (or a town close enough to drive to), we know that we have friends for life and we know that they pray for Ethan and our family as a whole.  Gotta love it.  : )

Blast from the Past {2007}

I was thinking that I would post some pictures from the past.  This one was our Christmas card from 2007.  I never mailed them out, so they are still around here somewhere, LOL.  

I loved it, though.  Most of the pics are from Ethan's Make-A-Wish trip to Florida.  Look how sweet he was!  Awww....

Buy A Dictionary!

Repost: E:60 Perfect

I've seen this video floating around Facebook for a week or so, but hadn't had the chance to actually watch it until today.  I was reminded of Team Hoyt and the love that the father has for his son.  I see that love again here with this man and his beautiful daughter, Paisley.  :sniff, sniff:

Repost: For My Brother...

I was reminded of this beautiful, funny, precious video that was made for World Down Syndrome Day.  Gotta love them!

A Person's A Person

Picture Day...

SUCKED.

There really isn't any better way to say it.  It sucked. 

Ethan went last since we know he needs a little extra time to get adjusted to the photo equipment and such, but he started crying from the beginning.  It sucked.

Then, another class lined up right beside him so they were all watching him as he was crying.  That sucked. 

As soon as the other class came up and was watching, I called it done.  It wasn't fair to Ethan to have all of the kids watching his misery. 

Ethan's teacher attempted a picture again later after he had eaten and when the halls were empty.  She even had his favorite custodian come and try his tricks to make him laugh- no luck.  Mrs. C made the executive NO decision for me and got my check back.  SUCKS!

The one funny thing is that Bubs was signing "goodbye" as in, "b-bye now, I'm DONE"!  Then, the little stinker laughed when they called it a day.

I am really hoping that the yearbook peeps will let me submit a different picture of Ethan since today's, obviously, won't cut it!

********************

On a completely separate note and completely off topic of anything sucky, last night's Quickstep by Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough on Dancing With The Stars was AH-MAZING!  I am loving this season!

Growing, Growing, Growing!

So, tomorrow is Picture Day!  Every time Picture Day rolls around, I get Bubs a new outfit.  It has been something that I have done since pre-school.  I, typically, get him a haircut as well but just didn't get a chance to this time.  Oops.  He's still handsome even with a little wolfman action by the ears, LOL. 

I actually don't look forward to pictures at all.  Ethan has never been a smile-on-cue kind of kid and now that he is older, it's not any better or easier.  But, good gracious- when we are persistent and patient, boy oh boy, can we get a great picture out of that boy!

The weather has finally hit chilly Fall temps so it was time to bust out the pants box for Bubs.  Well, as it turns out, all of the pants that were in the box he has now outgrown!  YIKES! 

I had to go and get him some new pants today and will hit up MegaThrift in the next few days.  I have to still go through his closet and clear it out.  That is a weekend job, I think.  Is it bad that some of his clothes, I am just not ready to let go of?  So silly. 

As of right now, his closet is packed full, but I think once I actually go through it all and weed out what doesn't fit, it will be pretty bare. 

All of those years of not growing is finally catching up to us!  : )

Ds Fact

So many of my friends on Facebook are linked to us via the Down syndrome community and I LOVE it.  Many of my friends are posting facts about Ds for the month of October for awareness.  I saw this fact and wanted to re-post here for my family and friends that are outside of the Ds community.  Sometimes, I take it for granted that because I know something I have taught it already, but that isn't always the case.

Excellent fact:

There are three different types of Down syndrome: Standard Trisomy 21, Translocation, and Mosaicism.

Standard Trisomy 21 is when the extra chromosome 21 comes from either the egg or sperm cell. Between 90% and 95% of all Down syndrome is Standard Trisomy 21.

Translocation is caused when a piece of chromosome 21 is located on another chromosome such as chromosome 14. The person with Translocation Trisomy 21 will have 46 chromosomes but will have the genetic material of 47 chromosomes. The person with Translocation Trisomy 21 will exhibit all the same characteristics of a person with Standard Trisomy 21 since they have three copies of chromosome 21. Translocation occurs between 3% and 5% of cases of Down syndrome. 

Mosaicism is when a person has a mix of cells, some containing 46 chromosomes and some containing 47 chromosomes. This occurs either because: a) The person received 46 chromosomes at fertilization but somewhere during early cell division the chromosome 21 cell pairs failed to split creating a cell with 47 chromosomes and a cell with 45 chromosomes. The cell with 45 chromosomes can not survive but the cell with 47 chromosomes will continue to divide. All cells that come from this cell will contain 47 chromosomes. b) The person received 47 chromosomes at fertilization but later during cell division the extra chromosome is lost. Mosaicism occurs in 2% to 5% of cases of Down syndrome. A person with Mosaic Down syndrome may exhibit all, some, or none of the characteristics of Down syndrome depending on the percent of cells carrying the extra chromosome and where these cells are located.

So, what type of Down syndrome does Ethan have?   Ethan has standard Trisomy 21.  There is no way to know if it were my egg or Scott's sperm that caused Bubs' chromosomal enhancement.

*Not Ethan's chromosomes, but very similar to what his makeup looks like

Fair Time!

When the Dixie Classic Fair rolls into Winston-Salem, we look forward to our school field trip! Weather is always hit or miss- some years it's still as hot as summer, some it's freezing and wet. This year was nice, considering it had rained the day before. There were some muddy patches and some wet bleacher seats, but the sun was shining and it was a beautiful day!

First up were the pig races. The pig races are always a favorite for the kids. Luckily, we arrived at the "arena" early enough for good seats/standing spots. Ethan was enjoying his time, and space, until it got more crowded closer to race time.

After the piggies ran their little hearts out, we headed over to get a table for lunch.  Sometimes, finding a place to sit is the challenge of the entire day!  I was on the case and spotted an open table right away!  Phew...

Once we were seated, one of Ethan's favorite assistant teacher's, "G", found us!  Bubs was so happy to see her!

After lunch, we headed to the education building to find our class' artwork.  All of our students received a ribbon, and Ethan earned a 3rd Place ribbon for this piece of work:

We also saw Batmobile and Herbie replicas.

 

After a tour of the artwork, it was almost time to head back to the bus.  We stopped off at a gazebo and rested/acted silly while a couple of teacher aides bought a fair treat for snack once the class returned to school.

 

After the rest of the class went back to school, I stayed at the fair with Ethan.  Delainey and her mom, Mandy, also stayed.  We took advantage of it and went to see the animals.

Wow...the fair was a full day this year!  And, I think that Bubs agreed!  He was asleep within five minutes after leaving!

Until Fair Time next year!!!

*Adding pictures is a bit frustrating tonight.  I hate that they are not lining up!*

LOVE THIS!

 

IDSC for Life Photo Campaign

Our dear friends at the IDSC for Life have been running photo campaigns for Down syndrome awareness.  I saw the post that they wanted to highlight Dad's soon and I knew that I wanted to submit a certain picture of Ethan and Scott.  

The picture was taken earlier this summer by Love Lee Photography.  Our family pictures can always be a challenge because Ethan is not a fan of taking pictures.  I blame his father, lol.  Ok, I am actually serious- Scott is the worst about taking pictures and his negative response to the camera has really worn off on Bubs.  Grrrrr....  It's so frustrating because they are both so dang photogenic!  Ramie, with LLP, was phenomenal.  She was patient and understood how children with special needs can sometimes need extra time to get the right shot.

I present the very last shot taken that day.  Ethan and his Daddy.  They are an amazing team and anyone who has ever seen them together knows this.  My loves.  ♥

Thank you, IDSC for Life, for all you do for the Down syndrome community all around the world!  And, thank you for seeing the beauty that I do in this photograph.  ♥

I invite everyone to go to the IDSC for Life website and also like their Facebook page.  Join the mission in promoting dignity and respect for all individuals with Down syndrome, from conception and throughout life.  I believe, along with the IDSC for Life, that ALL LIFE IS PRECIOUS.

 

A Message from Ethan ; )

Platelet Donation

Today, I donated my 12th gallon of platelets to the American Red Cross!  

I'm sure that if I didn't have Ethan, I would have still been an advocate for blood donation and would have donated on occasion, but because of Ethan I make it a point to donate whenever possible.  I have written about it before (http://faulknerfam.blogspot.com/2010/05/giving-life.html).

I'm sure that most of my readers know that Ethan had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) when he was a little guy and his life was SAVED countless times because a stranger took a little bit of time out of their day to donate life-saving blood products.  That stranger may have had a fear of needles, but they did it.  They may have had a fear of blood, but they did it.  They may have had an appointment-packed schedule that week, but they did it.  And, maybe they were like me and wanted to give back in thanks and to be that person that took time out of their day to make sure that a stranger could live.

Because of my Ethan, I give.  Sometimes I sit back and think of all the points of my life that, likely, wouldn't have happened without Ethan in our lives or how life would be different if Ethan had never had ALL (him not having Ds is a whole other post, LOL), or why Ethan had leukemia.  I like to think of the positives- so many lives have been saved because of Ethan battling leukemia.  It amazes me, really. 

 My boy rocks.