Losses

I didn't really want to talk about it, but I know that I need to get some of my thoughts out, so here it goes...

Three weeks ago, I suffered a miscarriage. I hadn't shared I was pregnant with anyone yet, not even Scott. We had plans to go on a date to Red Lobster on Monday for Lobsterfest (I was craving) and I had planned on telling him then. Scott found out I was pregnant when I told him my body was rejecting it. During a painful evening, my darling husband was so sweet and came up to my belly, kissed it, and said "feel better". Something so simple, yet so incredibly needed and appreciated.

I was very early on, but the pain that followed was horrible. Both emotional AND physical. The cramping was so intense- as if I was having contractions for days. Something that I have yearned for and dreamed for was leaving me and there wasn't anything I could do about it. The thoughts that enter your mind as you are suffering such loss is not good for one's soul. You have to be stronger than those thoughts, you have to take control of them before they consume you. I had my fair share of uncontrollable tears, sure, but I had to throw myself around people that I knew would bring my positivity back to the forefront. And, that's exactly what I did. I packed up for a weekend trip to Virginia and enjoyed myself.

I felt silly even telling the ones I did tell because of how early it was. Even today, as I read that our friend who was much farther along in her pregnancy than I was, suffered another great loss of her baby and I think, "Do I even have a place for grief after what they are going through right now?". My heart breaks for her, her husband, and their daughter who was SO excited to be a big sister! But, I read somewhere that a loss is a loss, no matter how early or late. That helped me.

I don't know why this happened. I don't know why my body rejected the pregnancy. I am deeply saddened. I know there is a reason and that "God has a plan", but that's not what I want or need to hear. I don't need to dwell on this loss, but I need to acknowledge it.

I pray that we have the chance again to be excited over an addition to our family! You can pray with us. And, to my family- this does not mean that I want you asking me every month if I'm pregnant. ;) Trust me, if and when I ever am, you will know before they are born. :)

So now I wait for my hormones to get back in check. One day I may feel like killing my husband. The next, I may be ok. There is no rhyme or reason and I cannot explain it other than my hormones are all a whack. So, there ya go...if I bite your head off, I apologize.

Much love.