Heartbroken doesn't even cut it

Yes, we knew it was coming.  Yes, we have been keeping him as comfortable as we can.  But, knowing when the right time was to say he's ready was not as easy- until now.  Clarification, it is NOT an easy decision to let go of your beloved pet, but it is easy to make the decision that he shall not be in pain any longer. 

Since "The Talk", we have made sure that Shep has filet mignon and rotisserie chicken for dinner, and the occasional peanut butter snack.  We have watched him in awe knowing that he is really, really sick and not showing us.  You see, Shep is the ultimate people-pleaser.  He was not going to let us know that he was in pain or how bad it really was for him.  He wasn't going to tell us that he was ready for us to let him go.  HE didn't, but his body did.

I came home from the movies last night (The Help, which I may write about later to take some of this pain away) and Scott met me at the door with the "bad news".  He said it was time. 

Shep's left eye is sunken in, the tumor on his bottom is huge and bleeding, he is panting to breathe, and the worst in my mind is that Scott found maggots on him.  :'(  He has a smell that is obviously unpleasant and we know that his body is dying from the inside out. 

I have spent my entire day by his side today, only leaving it to go pick Ethan up from school and to let him outside for a little bit. 

It looked like a storm was getting ready to come in and Shep was getting antsy inside, so I gave him half of an anxiety med and let him go outside before the storm came in and we wouldn't let him back out.  When I went outside to bring him back in, I couldn't find him.  My backyard is not that big and it is fenced so not being able to find him was really freaking me out! 

I ended up finding him stuck down a small hill up against the fence, unable to move.  I may not love my arms, but I love their strength and I am thankful that I was able to lift my pups out of that "ditch" and carry him inside.  I swear, I thought he was dying in my arms before I even got him inside.  He was barely breathing and I lost it.  Ok, I have lost it numerous times since last night, but that really made me lose it. 

Shep is now back to panting for air, laying down on his blanket.  He can't move, most likely because of the anxiety med.  I put some water in his mouth from a syringe and he didn't even move his tongue. 

Ethan was waking up from his nap and I went in and had a little chat with him.  I was crying and told him how sick Shep was and that he was getting ready to go to Doggy Heaven.  Normally, Ethan is fighting to get off of my lap and go run and play, but not today.  He gave me hugs and kisses that just melted my heart.  I am not sure Ethan really knows or comprehends that Shep will be gone soon, but he knew that Mommy's heart is broken.  Sweet boy.

So, Scott and I will take Shep to the vet tomorrow for his dream juice that will take his pain away.  We will then take him to the Pet Crematorium ourselves and then bring him home.  To say we are heartbroken doesn't even scratch the surface.  We know what we are doing is right, but that doesn't make saying goodbye any easier.

Please keep us in your thoughts- especially Scott.  Shep and Scott have an incredible bond.  Shep went to work with Scott every day for close to 10 years.  I am a wreck, but I am not sure I will even compare to the wreck that Scott will be tomorrow.  Thank you for all of the support that we have received via Facebook, text, and/or e-mail.  We appreciate it very much.

PS....I'm not proofreading, so ooops if there are typo's and/or grammatical errors.