Not Ready

Last night, Scott came in the house and said that Shep wasn't moving hardly at all and that he found additional small masses on his chest in addition to the larger mass on his chest that has also grown.

Shep is our 11 year old Chow Chow/German Shepherd baby. We got him 2 weeks before our wedding. We hadn't planned on getting a dog, it just happened when our neighbor at the time came over with two puppies in her arms thinking that they belonged to us. There was a boy and a girl, but the sweet boy winked at me and therefore, he stayed. The plan was to put up flyers for the lost puppies and that the owners would come back for him, but they never came. I named him Shep- original, I know- because he looked more German Shepherd when he was a puppy.

I had taken Shep to the vet over the summer to have the mass checked out and the aspirate showed abnormal cells. It was recommended that we have pathology done on a sample to identify the abnormal cells, but we couldn't afford it which totally and completely broke our hearts.

I posted on Facebook about Shep's condition last night and many wonderful people said wonderful things. In addition, mention of putting an animal down came up many times. Yes, I know that he is old, but I am not ready. I am not ready to think of our lives without Shep.

I took Shep to the vet today and she is now referring to the mass as a tumor and she also confirmed that it was much larger. She is sending out the pathology slides today and we should know what's going on by next week. I asked her about "worse-case scenario" and she said that it really depends on what it is. It could just be a benign tumor, or it could be cancer. The look she gave me makes me think that we are not going to get good news next week.

I am SO not ready. I know that Scott is not ready. The look of worry on his face last night was horrible. Scott and Shep have an incredible bond...oh my gosh, I.AM.NOT.READY.