Blessed, but angry

Cora turns ONE tomorrow!  What a joy she is!  It's crazy to think of how fast time is flying by!  We are loving watching her explore and learn.  Ethan's development was much more delayed so Cora's seems to be quite advanced and accelerated!  We are loving every minute of it!

So, one year ago today, I headed to Women's Hospital of Greensboro to check in on my friend/client who was in labor.  I had made arrangements for a backup doula from the very beginning because of how close our due dates were (hers:  3/31, mine:  4/4).  When she called to tell me that her contractions had begun, I called the backup doula since I was having steady braxton hicks contractions whenever I stood up or exerted myself.  Because of that, I felt that my client would be better taken care of with a doula that could be more hands-on.  I am pretty possessive over my clients- meaning, I've bonded with them and I want to be with them the entire journey- so, making the call to the backup was not easy for me to do, but client's best interest comes first.  The morning of the first, I felt great and was itching to check on my client so I planned to go visit and give some emotional support for a couple of hours and maybe give the backup a chance to step out and rest and/or get something to eat.  As I headed out, I assured my family that I was only going to check on my client and that I'd be home in a few hours.  But, 15 minutes after my arrival, the backup doula checked out.  She didn't say anything to me about how labor was so far or even that she was leaving for good.  She told my client "good luck" and left.  Right then and there, I wasn't leaving.  I was not going to leave my friend/client.

A little after 10pm that night (4/1/14), I started having contractions.  No one knew, they weren't unbearable by any means, more of an annoyance.  I didn't want to say anything and distract away from my client's birth.  But, after baby was born {Happy Birthday, Gabriel!!!}, I excused myself earlier than usual because I was 45 minutes away from home and I needed to be home if labor was going to kick in for me.  After a contraction-filled drive home, I was home and felt that I could relax a little.  If I had only known Cora had other plans...

While I love Cora's birth story and it's wildness and the fact that I was able to be with my friend/client to welcome her son, I find myself angry.  I am so angry that my client was left.  I am angry that I was left.  I am angry that someone would think that a 39w4d pregnant woman was ok to leave to do hands-on doula work (any doula knows how physical the work is).  I am angry that because I was so far away from home, I didn't have those last moments with my family before Cora arrived.  I am angry because my doctor thought I had a home birth intentionally and that I "pushed the envelope".  I am angry that Cora's birth, while beautiful, was traumatic. 

This past year, I have tried to figure out how I can get over it.  Yes, I've prayed.  No, I haven't had contact with the backup doula- I am that hurt and angry.  I have found myself, randomly, in tears because I let my mind wander to the "what-ifs" of that night.  My doctor made me feel like utter crap and that I purposely put my daughter at risk by having a home birth.  I have had to remove myself from my local doula circle because the backup has become so involved in it and I just can't deal.  I can't deal with the fact that I know what she did to me and my client and can't say anything about it because I'm always the bigger person.  I've waited for her to reach out and and apologize, but that's obviously not happening.  I refuse to take the first step on this one.  I feel that it may end up getting me more hurt and, possibly, more angry.  I'm not an angry person, but this whole situation has rocked me to my core and I just don't know how to deal.  I know I am supposed to forgive, but I haven't been able to be at that point yet- it's all still too raw, even a year later.  Anyone who I have confided this to {very few} know that I cannot talk about it without crying.  I'm not sure I've ever had something affect my emotional well-being so drastically as this.

Thank you to those who have been so kind and supportive in regards to this, namely, the Hubs.  I welcome your prayers for peace.